apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
