im six kinds of drunk right now
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
