Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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