i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
