I faked an abortion last night.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
