You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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