i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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