I can text with my tongue
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
