i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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