the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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