Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
