I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
