I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
