Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
worst night to have a conscience
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
