i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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