Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
