I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
