I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
