Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
