where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize