No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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