Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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