i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
