There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
