Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
