I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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