I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
