First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
