dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
