just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
