Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
