I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
