when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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