My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Also, beer. Big fan.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
