Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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