And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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