I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
