how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
