Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
