I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
