Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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