I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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