she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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