I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
