In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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