I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
