Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
