I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
