rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
