If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
