Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
