I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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