I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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