Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
