You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Randomize
