so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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