Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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