No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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