yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
