Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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