I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
