Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
