You just made me feel so damn special
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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