I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
