she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
